Her eyes were all over the girl. She watched her with the other women. There was a sick feeling inside her. It was a sickness like the one that comes with remembered embarrassment. She felt wrong inside. Pain would have been easier. To have been truly wronged, that would be painful. There was no real wrong here, just something that made her feel terrible. The distance was more than a room full of people but she couldn't find the words to explain what 'more' sat between them.
There was a mirror on the opposite wall. Sandy stared at herself. The room, full of people, made her look small. The drink in her hand reached up and poured it's self into her mouth. Bodies pressed in around her. At the other end of the couch another lone soul retreated from the masses. She watched her neighbor in the mirror. He looked ragged, like a dirty doll that was tossed aside by a fickle child.
She watched him take something from his pocket and then slide it into his mouth. The amused slit of her mouth was hidden as she took another drink. He was taking the easy out. A chemical one. For a flash she thought about talking to him. Her eyes darted over to look at him. Nervously she looked at her lap. Before the thought came to fruition, she heard him say something. She saw in the mirror he was talking to a friend.
After a self-deprecating sigh, she let her eyes wander back to her sour thoughts. Leah was really beautiful tonight. Despite her weight, Asian features gave her an exotic look. She was dressed casual, in jeans and a tattered shirt. A part of Sandy wanted to go talk to her old friend. She fought back the urge, knowing that it was driven by loneliness. The road with Leah was fraught with potholes.
Hard lessons had been learned down that road. The hardest of them were about herself. It was merely attention that Leah used to seduce her. For a moment Leah treated her like a queen. In that moment, Sandy felt like someone finally cared. Too soon after the feeling betrayed her. When she was no longer bright and shinny, Leah tossed her aside. She became a name on a list of friends.
Is seemed, from the words Leah gave her, that owning a place on that list was a privilege. In Leah's eyes, Sandy should be grateful to be on the list. The sickness settled into her stomach as she remembered their arguments. The words weren't mean but they were final. The truth was that Leah and Sandy wanted different things. Sandy wasn't looking for a timeshare. She was looking to purchase.
Leah leaned into kiss another girl. They were all drunk and sloppy. Sandy could see the first hints of nudity brewing. It was hard to watch because she was jealous. She wanted the lightness they all shared. They were caught up in the moment and didn't much care for thought of the future. She was frustrated with her emotions. The goal was not to care about Leah. Feeling something was fruitless.
Earlier she heard Leah talking with one of the other girls about a shopping trip. They were talking in the past tense, this trip happened sometime earlier. Sandy was first jealous because they did something without her, second jealous that Leah got to spend time alone with that friend, and third jealous that she wasn't Leah. The jealousy wasn't a real feeling. It was like envying the cake in someone else's hand. Her cake was just as good, if not better, but sometimes their slice looked bigger or like it had more frosting.
At times it seemed like the life Leah led was easier. The pride that kept Sandy from wasting time on fruitless situations seemed to be absent in Leah. She readily classified people as worthy of only so much and then expected no more. Leah felt no shame in expecting little from her friends. Sandy couldn't imagine being fine with someone classifying her like that and therefore couldn't imagine doing the same to someone she cared about. The thought lead Sandy to a familiar place. She knew the problem with being Leah.
Everyone had something bad to say. There was a familiar derision in their voices when they spoke of Leah. The most common complaint was a lack of depth. People spoke ill of Sandy, but those words did not include 'shallow.' They might say she was cold but never one-dimensional.
Was it better to be friends with all, but never truly friends with one? Or friends with none in the moment, but one day have a true friend? Those questions plagued Sandy. It was the reason she looked away from Leah. Pride was the thing that filled in the spaced between the people in the crowded room. It was the real distance that separated Leah and Sandy. She would rather be alone than settle for scraps.
Sandy put away the sick feeling and resolved to have a good time. These thoughts, these things between her and Leah, were merely flashes from the past. There was a present to be dealt with and a future full of promises. With a resolved tilt of her chin, Sandy stood up and walked away.
The End.
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