I don't remember the first day of freshman year. It's a blur of nervousness and a vague feeling that I was amidst aliens. I do remember the third. This really sweet girl walked up to me during lunch and asked if she could sit with me. Her name was Anna. She was a blond cherub with bright blue eyes. She sat down next to me and opened a crumpled brown bag. I was eating a nutritious meal of ice cream sandwich and coke.
"D'you want soma my sandwich?" Anna asked me, holding out a squished patty of bread.
"Naw." I waved my melting ice cream sandwich. "The sugar rush'll do me."
She took a bite and looked out at the quad. It was nice, though, not one of those uncomfortable silences. We didn't have anything to say. So, for like five minutes, we ate in silence.
"Do you know anyone else here?"
I shook my head and leaned back on the grass.
She leaned down on her knees and turned her head to look at me.
"I kinda do."
"Yeah?" I asked with real interest.
"My step-brother." She rolled her eyes. "It's kinda lame, though. He's a big ol' dork."
I sat up. "You to live together?"
"Un-fortunately."
I chuckled. "I'm all down with being a single child. Whenever my cousins come over, it's like crazy."
"I know. Brian, he's always in my shit. I get so tired of his - Oh, man."
I followed her eyes across the lawn. Lumbering. That was the first word that came to mind when I saw Brian Kern. He wasn't really fat. Really big, that's a better way to put it. He was at least six ten and built like a linebacker. He walked up with this goofy grin and smiled down at Anna with no end of love.
"Hey. You two wanna come sit with us?"
Anna made a sound of disgust. "I don't think so."
His grin wavered. "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure." Anna replied emphatically.
Brian smiled at me. "Hey, sorry. I forgot to introduce mysel-"
Anna interrupted him, "Don't worry about it."
"It's okay." I told Anna and gave Brian my best smile. "She told me who you are."
I stood. My eyes looked straight at his heart before I tilted my head back. I'm not a short girl but next to Brian I felt tiny. I held a hand out for him. Brian took my fingers gently. At first I thought he would shake my hand, but then he bent down.
No one ever kissed my hand before that. It wasn't great or anything. His lips were dry and his hand a little clammy. But then he looked into my eyes. It was weird. That was the first time anyone ever wanted me. You know, in a non-platonic way. I had friends and I had crushes on other people, but never someone that looked at me that way. It was definitely a mushy moment.
Then Anna jumped up and grabbed my arm.
"Could you be any more lame?" She griped at Brian and pulled me away. I looked over my shoulder at him. He smiled shyly. Anna pulled me behind a tree and folded her arms.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's fine."
She threw up her hands. "I'm mortified. You must think I'm a total jerk."
"You didn't do anything."
Intently she cried, "I'm guilty by association."
"Look. It's fine. He just kissed my hand."
She didn't seem to hear me. "We just met and I really want you to like me."
"I do. God." I grabbed her. "Weather or not your brother is a dork doesn't mean anything to me."
"Really?"
"Yes!" I told her emphatically. "I'm not that shallow."
Anna looked like she was about to cry. She looked down and swallowed. I laughed and threw an arm around her shoulder. She leaned into me and I hugged her. I suppose some people might think she was being too emotional but I was endeared.
"Were friends." I said into her hair.
"You just met me." She said into my shirt.
I pulled back. "Yeah. So."
She wiped her face. "God. I'm such an idiot."
"I like idiots."
She gave me a look.
"Sometimes I even invite idiots over."
"Stop it." Anna huffed.
I stopped teasing. "How 'bout tonight?"
"Maybe you could come to my place first?"
"Sure." I replied, unconcerned.
"My parents have this thing about meeting my friends."
"It's all cool."
That night I met Anna's parents. Her mother was a spazz case and her dad was pretty much an older version of Brian. Although I saw a lot of Anna's parents over the next few weeks, she successfully kept me away from Brian. Or rather, Brian away from me.
Even on campus Anna kept me to herself. Brian was a senior, so it wasn't like I ran in his circles. Not that his circle was unreachable. Brian was an uber-geek. He hung with the smart kids. The class structure wasn't as well defined among the uber-geeks. Freshmen were often seen hanging with seniors in that circle.
I wasn't sure how I felt about the uber-geeks. Brian was like one of their leaders, so they couldn't be that bad. On the other hand, I coveted the popular kids. I wanted to best friends is Kelly Daniel's and her crew, just like everyone else. Anna made the decision for me. She wasn't confused and she was my best friend. So I stayed away from geekdom and tried my best to fit in.
The end of my friendship with Anna started at her birthday party. It was the first Saturday in September. A bunch of girls from school and all Anna's family gathered at a park downtown. The decorations were fantasy themed and there was this hokey magician that spent the whole party stalking us girls.
I wore this gauze dress my mother made for me and a pair of sparkly fairy wings. Anna wore a wizard's cape and hat. We were the only ones to dress up and that was kinda lame. Anna took off the cape and hat immediately. One of the other girls offered me her sweatshirt but I said I was comfortable.
Anna thought I was being weird. She wanted me to change. I guess I was being weird but I don't like people bossing me around. So I found a tree a little way from the party and hid out. I figured either Anna would get over herself or I'd wait until my mom came to pick me up.
It seems like I sat behind that tree forever. A branch snapped. I looked up, startled. Brian was standing next to me. He blushed and looked away when I looked up.
"I wasn't staring at your cleavage." He said shortly.
I looked down at my chest. The top of my breasts were exposed by the loose folds of my dress. With a gasp, I clasped the a hand over my cleavage.
"I'm s-I'm sorry." Brian stumbled.
I stood and tugged my dress down. We both stared at the ground and blushed. Brian broke the silence, "God, you must - you must think I'm a pervert."
I crossed my arms over my chest and flicked my eyes up at his face. He was bright red. The color of a beet. I couldn't help but smile.
"Maybe." I replied with quiet teasing.
He looked down at me, chagrined. "I'll leave you alone."
"No. They're just breasts." I told him, attempting to make light of it.
He looked at me intently. "To guys, they're never just breasts."
"Should I take that as a compliment?"
"Most girls wouldn't."
I felt this achingly huge smile on my face as I laughed. "I-Um, I'm not most girls."
Brian must have realized I was flirting with him, because his face suddenly twitched into a smile. He leaned in a little and I felt my heart speed up.
"Do you wanna go for a walk?" He said to me.
I blinked and breathed my reply. "Yeah."
We talked, well, about everything. We worked backward from that moment to birth. He told me all about science club. I thought it was the geekiest idea ever that he spent all his free time doing experiments. The again, he listened to me prattle on about my aspirations to be a musician. He told me I should be in a band. I blushed and fluttered.
I don't remember exactly how it happened. We were talking and then suddenly were kissing. You'd think, because it was my first kiss, that I'd remember every detail. Instead, the memory is a blur. I remember I didn't want it to end. His hands were on my waist and then my hair. He tasted sweet and musty.
We stopped at first because I was leaning against a tree and a clump of bark was digging into my back. The moment our bodies parted he suddenly got shy. He backed away and wouldn't look me in the eyes. I was also feeling off kilter.
"We should go back." He said and I just nodded.
Things were pretty much over at the party. Anna was still mad and she didn't say goodbye. It was pretty obvious, me and Brian walking back together, that something happened while we were gone. My mouth was all red from kissing. He was all flustered.
The phone was ringing when I got home. My mom picked it up and then handed it over. It was Brian. We talked for hours. Every night of the next week we talked. At school we met in the hallways and talked. You would think we'd run out of things to say. Instead, when we didn't have anything to say, we said stupid stuff. We giggled and played.
It was new love. It was also first love. Brian was equally inexperienced. He'd kissed a girl once before but never had a girlfriend. He was sweet, romantic, and doting. He brought me flowers and stickers and little charms. I like the gifts but they made me a little uncomfortable. He was always giving me thing. He didn't need to buy my affection.
Two weeks passed before we kissed again. There were so many times where he almost kissed me but then didn't. We went out on our first date. He picked me up, took me to dinner and a movie, and then we parked. I was the one to make a move. Brian was staring at the steering wheel and I was trying to think of a subtle approach.
"Why don't we move to the back?" I said, bluntly.
The moment we settled into the back seat I pounced. With my arms around his neck, I laid down across his lap. He leaned in to kiss me. I met him halfway and slid so I was almost sitting in his lap. Like a perfect gentleman his hands never strayed from my waist.
It's funny how quickly a person learns how to kiss. One time making out and you know exactly how it goes. My tongue was in his mouth and our lips moved in perfect sync. He kissed my cheeks, my eyelids, and then my neck.
The dip of my neck. That was the moment. His lips gently nibbled at that space between my head and throat. I must have gasped because he pulled back a little. Until that moment I didn't really understand about desire. I wanted to kiss him because it was nice. Kissing is intimate and comforting.
Desire, on the other hand, it hot and desperate. I'd felt, for the very first time, the flame that licks a woman between her thighs. Panting, I stared into his eyes. He stared at me with concern. I grabbed his head and pulled his lips to mine. The flame licked higher. I could feel warmth down the center of my body.
My breasts tingled and there was this ache between my thighs. I didn't notice that Brian was holding back. I crawled up so I was straddling him. My kisses were urgent and I wanted to touch every part of him.
"You can touch me." I breathed into his mouth.
He tried to pull away. "Wait."
My thighs clenched against his knees. I moaned and slid my tongue around his mouth. Brian pushed me back forcibly. He chastised me gently, "Slow down."
"Why?" I asked, dazed by passion.
Stumped, his mouth opened and closed. I giggled and tried to steal a kiss. He pushed me back again.
"Because."
"That's dumb." I told him and slid my seat so I was pressed firmly against his pelvis.
"Fuck! Stop it." Brian pushed me off completely. "I thought you said you never done this before."
"I haven't." I replied, wounded.
"Well then, why're you being so pushy?"
I slumped back against the seat. "It felt good. God!"
Brian opened the door. He put one leg outside the car and looked out into the night. I could hear him breathing heavy.
"You can't get a guy started like that. I might not be able to stop."
This cold dose of reality extinguished the heat at my core. I folded my arms and looked out the window. We were silent for a moment. I felt awful. I almost wanted to cry. I was afraid he would never wanna touch me again. I was more scared he would never wanna talk to me again.
Quietly, I said, "I'm sorry."
He turned back to me. My eyes were drawn to the lump in his pants. Brian noticed my look and turned away quickly. He shifted in his seat to hide the lump. Then he turned back. He touched my face gently and I closed my eyes so I couldn't cry.
"It wasn't that I didn't like it. But this is the second time we've...y'know."
"It's too fast." I said in a whisper.
"I mean." He said, his breath quickening and his eyes widening. "That's a big step. I'd think you'd wanna wait. I-I could...but...do you really...?"
"No." I told him as I sat up. "No. You're right. I wasn't thinking."
He pulled the door shut and put an arm over the back seat. His hand was still next to my face. I felt his fingers gently brush the hair away from my cheek. I laid my face against his fingers and slid so my cheek was against the inside of his arm.
"I just..." I felt shy to say it, after I acted like such an ass, but I so desperately wanted to tell him. "I just wanted to let you know you can touch me. We don't have to go supper slow. Just slow."
I could see his chest. It moved up and down with his breath. My words made it move faster. His pulse was in my ear. The arm against my cheek echoed the rhythm of his heart. He cleared his throat and the rhythm sped up. I looked up at his face.
"What kind of...touch?"
My ass slid against the seat so I was next to him again. I reached over and took his right hand. The back of my head leaned in the crook of his shoulder. I stared into his eyes as I gently placed his hand on my left breast. The fire in me came to life. He didn't move. I pressed his hand so it cupped and squeezed my breast.
Brian leaned down to kiss me. It was a new game. We'd kiss, caress, and pet until we were nearly frenzied. Then we'd pull back. Mostly he'd pull back. For some reason, I didn't have much restraint. It felt so good. My body was heading for something and I wanted to run towards it. Brian slowed the pace, he brought me back to a walk or sometimes even a crawl.
That night was the first time I'd ever broke curfew and my mom was so mad. I walked in the door with every intent of heading straight to bed. She told me I was grounded as I walked briskly back to my room. Mom followed me. I turned to her in the hall and agreed with everything. Fuming, Mom threw up her arms and walked away.
The moment the door closed I unzipped my pants and stepped out of them. I jumped under the covers and turned off the light. One hand found the breast Brian spent the better part of an hour teasing. The other hand slid between my legs. Impatiently I pushed up my bra and pinched my nipple. My fingers dug under my panties for the hub of my desire.
I clenched my thighs. I arched my back and moaned. My sex was wet and my fingers slipped around. Moments into my ministrations the first waves of pleasure washed along my spine. Bright lights burst behind my eyes. My breath caught. I was panting but I didn't dare cry out. With a seizure of pleasure my body spazmed under the covers.
Trembling, I relaxed into the bed. My heart pounded and my breath wheezed from me. I rolled over onto my side and let myself drift to sleep. That night I dreamt of sex. It was one of those dreams without faces. The figure in my dream may have been a man. All I remember is what I felt. The intense teasing sensation of arousal followed by hints of orgasm that never came to pass.
I saw Brain at school a day later. It was worse than not seeing him at all. He wouldn't even kiss me. I cornered him in the hall and he told me he was uncomfortable with the idea. He'd hold my hand and put his arm around my shoulder, but that was it. At first I couldn't wait until our date on Sunday. Then, something changed.
Sunday got closer and I wasn't as eager. I felt uneasy. Perhaps his initial reluctance encouraged my reluctance. I don't know. Whereas he was the one holding things back on our first date, I was the one holding us back on the following dates. I wanted to kiss him and be with him, but when we reached the line between merle petting and progressing further I pulled back.
He didn't mind at first. On our third date he took me to church. Nigh church, of all things, on a weeknight. It was strange. I'd been to church before with my cousins. And once at Christmas with my grandmother. My parents, on the other hands, worship at the corporate alter. It's not that they don't believe in god, they just don't have time for silly things like church.
It amused me, the idea that Brian was holding back for religious reasons. I know that's awful. I'm a terrible cynic. Brian's deeply set morals were the root of his kindness and patience. I should have appreciated it. Instead, I teased him a little. In my mind I dismissed his adherence to scripture as a minor flaw.
As things progressed Brian became less and less patient. We pushed making out to the very limit. We steamed up his car. We made a nest under a secluded tree in the park and gave the squirrels a show. We skipped school and spent the afternoon in our underwear. I think the clincher was the hot tub.
Brian mentioned to me that his dad was going out of town for a week. He had a key to his dad's place and there was a hot tub in the back. We talked about it all week. It was lunch on Thursday that I started to think Brian had some ideas in his head. I noticed this intense, puppy dog eager look on his face when he spoke of Friday night.
I tried hard to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. Sooner or later we were gonna have sex. Whatever apprehension I felt was without cause. I wasn't even sure that I didn't want to have sex. My mind was ready for it. When I wasn't with Brian my body was ready. I masturbated frantically to the thought of Brian inside me. The contradiction came when I felt his hard sex against my thigh. Suddenly all my confidence would vanish and I couldn't escape quickly enough.
Friday came before I was ready. My bathing suit was kinda ratty, so I decided to wear a pair of matching bra and panties under my clothes. I told my parents I was going out with Brian and they extended my curfew. My mom loved Brian. She was impressed by his morals. She blithely ignored the fact that he's a boy and all teenage boys suffer that thing betwixt their legs, morals or no.
I expected a house but it was actually a second-story condo. The hot tub was enclosed on a large patio in the back. There was an open case of wine and Brian daringly opened a bottle. He said it was a special occasion and his dad would never miss it. I'd never had wine before so I nearly choked on my first sip. Brian said I would get used to it. He had wine all the time in church.
I was hungry, so we made grilled cheese sandwiches with mushrooms. The cheese was this expensive stuff I found in the fridge and the taste of it was overwhelming. At Brian's suggestion I took a bite of the sandwich and then a sip of wine. It was kinda good that way. We stripped down to our underwear and took our spoils out to the hot tub.
I wrote a little bit about what Brian looks like earlier but when I really think of Brian I come up with a specific image. Brian, with is dark hair and bright blue eyes, smiling at me suggestively as he sticks his foot into the hot tub. He's wearing black silk boxers low on his hips. His chest, impressively wide and long, slips half into the water and stops. I slip in and the water hits me at my collarbone.
His eyes are bright as he takes another sip of wine. My head is floating as I snuggle into his side. He puts the glass up to my lips and tips it up. I sputter as too much liquid slips past my lips. I laugh away his concern and lick the yeasty moisture from my lips. Suddenly Brian is nervous. His eyes are on my lips and I know he want's to kiss me. I lean in, expecting his lips. Instead, I feel him shift. Awkwardly he moves to put the glass of wine behind him.
Now I'm nervous. He puts a hand on my shoulder and gently kisses me. I return the almost platonic kiss. His head turns to the side and he kisses me again. I swear, it's the worst kiss I've ever had. We're both strung tight and even his hand slipping down to my breast doesn't help. I pull away.
"Look-"
He blinks at me, confused. "What?"
"We don't have to..." I wave at the air.
"What." Brian sits back and plays dumb.
"You know." I reply pointedly.
Brian sighs. "Yeah. We don't."
We're both silent for a moment.
"I know you want to." I say, almost accusatory.
He doesn't reply or look at me. I feel bad. Brian's a decent guy.
"I mean..." I stare at him. "Seem's like that's where this's going."
Quietly he replies, "Yeah."
"I'm not sure I'm ready..."
"Yeah." He looks at me with steady eyes. "We can wait."
I fold my arms and look away. "Do you wanna go?"
"Not unless you want to."
Brian moves closer and puts an arm around my shoulder. I lean my head against his chest. He kisses the top of my head. I can't help but smile. He always does sweet stuff like that. Little gestures. My head falls back so I can look him in the face. He raises his eyebrows at me. I don't move my head but my eyes dart away. A little grin sneaks onto my lips.
"You wanna...see my breasts?" I ask him.
My eyes dart back up to see his eyebrows jump up and his eyes glow. He playfully inclines his head, looks at my chest, and then back up to my eyes.
"You're a guy," I tease him with eyes rolling, "so I know you wanna."
"Well...yeah."
I laugh at him. My left hand reaches over to my right shoulder slowly. I lower the cotton strap of my bra. I have to shift in order to lower the left strap. Pulling my arms from the straps, I reach to my back to unhook my bra. Super aware of my body, I let the bra fall into the water. My shoulders are hunched and my eyes cast down as I turn to face Brian.
The sound of his breath can be heard over the soft gurgle of water. He doesn't move. I look up at him to see that he's mesmerized by my bare breasts.
"They're just boobs." I tell him, dismissive.
He shakes his head and replies with awe, "No. They're beautiful."
I laugh nervously. "You can touch them, you know."
He looks up at me with surprise.
"It's not like you haven't done it before."
"I know. It's just..." Brian expels a breath.
Impatiently I grab one of his hands. I jerk it towards me. At the last moment something stops me. Hovering over my breast, I release his hand. I wait, expectantly, for his hand to fall. Slowly he places his fingers on my bare breast. The breath trapped in my chest whooshes out. My breath marches at double pace. His fingers slide into the curve of my breast and I feel the palm of his hand on my nipple.
Brian slides closer to me. His free hand rests on my knee. I can feel his breath against my neck as his fingers explore my breast. It's not so much sexual, the touch of his fingers, but instead intensely new. Brain rests his head against mine. He squeezes my breast and grunts near my ear.
"Can I kiss it?" He whispers.
I shrug. Swiftly Brian leans down and takes my nipple in his mouth. It doesn't feel like anything at first. I wonder, for a moment, why some girls think this is a big deal. The sensation is no different than his palm on my nipple. Then Brian sucks. The soft pain zooms from my breast to my core. I arch my back and grab his shoulder. My nails dig into his flesh as he suckles again.
The hand on his back tangles in his hair. I pull his head up so he'll kiss me. We slip against each other in the water, exploring every inch of available skin with our hands. One of Brians hands is between my thighs. In the past I discouraged this move. For the first time I press my hand over his. I show him the way.
Brian samples my neck. His teeth and lips taste my skin. The cloth of my panties slides into my wet crack and I cry out as his fingers slide over my clit. His lips search down my neck onto my chest. He visits the unused breast and I feel like I'm gonna die. The pleasure crackles under my skin. I'm ablaze with the fire created by his fingers and lips.
Daring, Brian moves my panties aside. I'm so lost in sensation that the move escapes me. His fingers slide along my sex, around my sex, and then into my sex. His mouth kisses, nibbles, sucks, and pulls at my nipple. Above my clit, sliding down into me, out of me, and back over my clit.
I'm reaching. I grasp Brian and stretch my body taunt. I can't hear the desperate sounds coming from my throat. The sound of me begging, pleading for release. He obeys my body. His lips suckle harder and his fingers slide faster. I grasp his hand and show him where to go. Little circles around my clit. Slipping fingers, around and over that nub. Surrounding. Overtaking. Exploding.
I come swiftly. My body shakes. I snap forward and arch back. Huge pulsing waves that slowly recede into little ripples. I'm left twitching and weak. My eyes are closed, my body weak, and spent. Brian gives me some space. He sits back. In the aftermath of my small death I am completely unaware of him. It takes a moment before the lights behind my eyes will clear.
My head rolls to Brian.
"Whoa." I say, blinking at him.
He smiles. "Good."
"I can't even tell you." I reply, as I stretch the last bit of tension away.
My eyes clear so that I can see Brian. Unlike me, his body is taunt and his eyes burn with an untamed flame. The calmness that entered me after climax leaves me in an instant. I don't have to look down to see the bulge in his pants. It hovers between us, like the tension in the air.
"I'm not ready." I hear myself blurt. I didn't know I was gonna say that. The words just jumped from my lips.
Brian takes a deep breath. He leans back and slumps deeper into the water. His head rests on the side of the hot tub.
"I didn't mean that-" I start.
"Yes you did." He tells me swiftly.
Brian turns his head away from me and stares into the night. My body is coiled tight, ready to flee. I'm terrified of what he will say or do next.
"You're not ready and I shouldn't have pressed things this far." His words are so final...and adult. The little boy Brian is replaced by a man. He turns his face to me and there's a look of accusation there. I'm not sure who he's accusing. It feel like I'm the one that's done wrong.
"We should've never done this." That is the last of it. The man Brian leavers himself out of the hot tub. He towers over me. I stare up at him full of fear. "C'mon. I'll take you home."
You know how sometimes you don't know when the end'll come? It seems like there'll be one more chance. One more moment to express the things you didn't. But when the end has come, there is no going back. It's just over.
That was me and Brian. It ended in that hot tub. He didn't date another girl from school but I heard there was a nice Christian girl from his church. He left a letter in my locker. It said that he couldn't control himself with me. He said the religion thing was too important. He said it was over.
I lost my virginity two months later at a party. The boy was Kelly Daniels boyfriend. Everyone in school heard about it and I was instantly popular. That's how I became a high school slut. I just feel sad it wasn't with Brian. I learned then that sex isn't fair. It's a dirty kind of power.
If you're lucky, you both get to pop your light bulb. But that's the exception, definitely not the rule.
The End.
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