Simone flicked the braid of brown hair over her shoulder and looked apprehensively at the quad. She wanted to run home and hide. To avoid this whole fiasco. There were online classes or televises classes. There were many other ways to accomplish this goal.
There wasn't one reason that Simone wanted to avoid the world. There were many. And this wasn't the fleeting apprehension of a freshman. The feeling in Simone, as she stared at the clusters of people scattered over the college campus, was on the verge of phobia.
Her backpack was heavy. Students brushed past her. She looked foolish standing in the middle of the walkway. The quad was covered with loitering students but her immobile form, blocking the path of other students, stood out.
She wanted to like people. Her life would be so much easier if she desired companionship. If only she could forgive the fatal flaws of humanity. But, like a dog beat too many times by its master, she felt her shackles rise the moment anyone came near.
She could feel the looks thrown her way. All that unwanted attention. The attention pushed her forward, propelling her feet into motion. Slowly she moved through the sea of bodies.
Some people dislike the smell of farm animals. The rank waft of animal feces is enough to repel them from any petting zoo. For Simone it was the stank of fake flowers and musk, the faux body sprays and expensive colognes, that made her want to run.
Before the semester began Simone arranged for a locker in the art building. She tilted her head down, staring at the sidewalk, and rushed to her destination. The hall was packed with fresh-faced students. She was a little older, just enough to separate her from the herd.
Simone was familiar with friendly overtures. She was used to people trying to make friends. The search for companionship was a universal one. But one that she didn't quite grasp. The fear of being alone was foreign to her. She preferred silence to the tense energy that came along with chattering bodies.
She watched a cluster of girls walk down the hall, with a particularly eager straggler at the rear. She reached her locker but didn't open it. It was sick; to watch the way those girls treated each other.
The hypocrisy of friendship confounded her. You were supposed to need friends but not be too needy. You were supposed to be loyal to those friends and be available to spend time with those friends, but in a causal way. Nothing too serious or with too many expectations.
The best liked people were friends with everyone. They never broke ranks or participated in conflict. They were eager to please and desperate to keep the peace. They played the game like poker players with smooth and unyielding faces.
Simone tore her eyes away so that she could turn the dial on her lock. The secret code spun around and she snapped open her locker. The heaviest of her books were unloaded from her pack. She shoved them unceremoniously in the metal closet. Her shoulders felt immediate relief.
It wasn't that Simone was blind to the bonuses of friendship. She knew the warm feeling of safety that a true friend could bring. But she also knew the emptiness that came when a friend left. Or worse, when a friend left you with private wounds, the kind of hurt that might never heal.
She walked through the building to her first class. She took a seat at the back of the empty room. Simone pulled a novel from her backpack and settled in for the wait until class began. The clock told her the wait would be short.
Her eyes turned down to the book but her mind was elsewhere. It was normal to cling to the warm bodies around you. To avoid loneliness at all costs. Simone was too stubborn for normalcy. She wouldn't give into that urge, to fill the empty spaces with any available human.
She heard someone come into the classroom. Her eyes darted up to see another female form. The body sat two seats away. After a moment of tense silence Simone looked over. The girl smiled and held up the book in her hand.
"We're reading the same book." The girl said.
Simone raised an eyebrow. She gave a tight little smile and returned to staring at the page in front of her. A moment of blessed silence passed. Simone began to relax and then she heard the clatter of desks. She brought her eyes up to watch the girl clumsily shift into the desk beside hers.
The girl was wearing baggy brown pants and a cardigan two sizes too big. Her hair was an unnatural shade of red; almost Raggedy Ann colored. She smelled of strawberries, a sweet and childlike scent, but that part almost didn't bother Simone.
"I'm Annie." The girl said, holding out her hand. "And you can make all the Little Orphan Annie jokes you want, it won't bother me."
Simone ignored the hand. "I'm not friendly."
Annie put down her hand and the smile left her face. She looked ready for a rebuttal but Simone beat her to the punch.
"It's not you." Simone reassured the girl. "I'm just anti-social."
She was saved from discussing the matter as another student entered the room. The time for class was almost upon them. More students, the teacher, and then class-time provided Simone with ways to avoid the awkward social situation.
After class Simone rushed out the door. She didn't want to stumble on any other social hiccups. At her locker she switched out books and checked the campus map to make sure she knew the way to her next class. She was just about to close her locker when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
Simone turned. She felt her stomach knot up as Annie put on an uneven smile. The girl was clinging to the books in her arms for dear life.
"I don't like most people." Annie blurted and then blew out a stream of air. "Sorry. This isn't easy. Um, but I think there's something here. Chemistry. And I trust my gut. So..."
Annie lost momentum. She broke eye contact and blinked at the ground. Simone was torn. She almost wanted to comfort the girl. It took guts, to try at something like this twice. And it was so terrible, because Simone was really didn't care what the girl had to say. Annie's brave outpouring of words wasn't going to break through Simone's reserve.
Annie pulled herself together. She faced off against Simone's blank stare. "I wasn't offended by what you said. I respected it. But, if you change you mind...then, you know...I'll see you in class."
Deflated, Annie made a whooshing sound and smiled with relief. "That's all I had to say."
Annie spun around and walked off. Simone was stuck in place again. Frozen like a stone. A deep breath, in through her nostrils, didn't help. She wanted to not feel moved. She told herself that she wasn't moved. But some part of her felt less sure.
The reasons she didn't want to open up were all around. She watched them tramp through the hallways. The empty smiles and meaningless chatter. The yearning eyes in bodies that were unwilling to take a stand. Nobody wanted to make a change. No one dared improve the status quo. It was better to cling to what you were given, instead of demanding what you deserved.
There was a feeling insider her. One she didn't like. A festering bit of optimism. It was that damn virus hope. Sometimes it snuck in, to disturb her resolution. Was it right to want something more? To wonder if maybe this time it could be different?
Simone closed her locker. She didn't want to be late for her next class. Years of pain couldn't be resolved in one day, let alone in a moment. Maybe this was something she had to think about. She could live with the loneliness. She could even convince herself to avoid the fake friendliness of the everyday person.
But could she really, in good conscience, discard someone that was willing to put in the effort? Simone pushed through the crowd of people on her way out of the building. She wasn't sure where life was taking her. At this very moment she was on her way to class. But, perhaps, her heart was preparing for another day.
The End.
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