CAST OF CHARACTERSJOYCE: A wife.
DARREN: A husband.
ACT I
SCENE 1
AT RISE:A woman and a man sit down at a kitchen table. The woman has an address book and a notebook.
JOYCEI have my address book.
DARRENYes, dear.
JOYCEAnd I wrote down all the people we were talking about.
DARRENYes, dear.
JOYCEHave you thought of people you'd like to invite?
DARRENYes, dear.
JOYCEAre you listening?
DARRENYes. I am.
JOYCEWell, then, perk up. This is going to take forever if you-
DARREN
(interrupting)We should invite my partner.
JOYCEJohn? No one else knows John.
DARRENSo?
JOYCEWe should only invite people that everyone knows so that no one feels left out.
DARRENHe won't feel left out.
JOYCEIf no one else brings him a gift, he'll feel left out.
DARRENHe won't care.
JOYCEWell, I'll care.
DARRENIt's Christmas. You want to not invite people to Christmas?
JOYCEThat's why we're making a list.
DARRENIt doesn't seem right.
JOYCEThere's no point in arguing. Let's just move on.
DARRENYes, dear.
JOYCEI'm not sure if we should invite Jack this year.
DARRENHe's one of my best friends.
JOYCEYes, but now that he and Ann have divorced-
DARRENAre we going to invite Ann?
JOYCEOf course, she's one of my best friends.
DARRENYour best friend gets to come but mine doesn't?
JOYCEEveryone likes Ann.
DARRENThey like Jack.
JOYCENot since the divorce.
DARRENAnn is the favorite so she's the one we pick?
JOYCEI know it doesn't seem fair, but-
DARRENIf one doesn't come the other shouldn't either.
JOYCEFine. No Ann or Jack.
DARRENWhat about Susan?
JOYCEOh, no. If I'm not inviting Ann, I can't invite Susan.
DARRENSusan and Ann aren't even friends.
JOYCEWorse. They're competitors. If I invite Susan but don't invite Ann, then Ann will take it as a slight. She'll think I took sides. I can't have that.
DARRENSo, no friends.
JOYCEI didn't say that.
DARRENMy partner can't come because he doesn't know our friends. So that means no acquaintances. And anyone that's divorced or socially competitive can't attend either. Sounds like just family to me.
JOYCEWe've just started. I'm sure we'll find someone that doesn't fit under any of those categories.
DARRENDidn't you say there's no point in arguing? We should just move on?
JOYCEFine. Family only.
DARRENWell, it's good to have that done.
JOYCEWe're not done. We're still writing the list.
DARRENFamilies a given. You can't choose who you're related to.
JOYCEYou can choose who comes to Christmas.
DARRENThey're all invited. That's why we call them family.
JOYCEThis year they are not all invited. Not after the fiasco last year.
DARRENThere was no fiasco.
JOYCEWe're not arguing about this again, Darren. I know what happened.
DARRENSo, she makes her own gifts every year. What's the big deal?
JOYCELast year it was too much.
DARRENHow can a homemade gift be too much?
JOYCEShe makes us all feel bad. Spending months creating personalized gifts for everyone. It's like we have to compete with the perfect gift.
DARRENIt's not like that.
JOYCEYou can't buy something that will compete with a homemade gift. It doesn't matter how much money you spend. And I tried talking to her about it but she simply ignored me.
DARRENHow petty are you?
JOYCEDon't you start with me. I told you last year that it was the last time I invited her to Christmas-
DARRENShe's your brother's wife-
JOYCEAnd that means we're only related by marriage.
DARRENSo you're brother's not coming.
JOYCEHe can come if he doesn't bring her.
DARRENBe reasonable, Joyce.
JOYCEFine. My brother and his wife are not invited.
DARRENThat means your parents women come.
JOYCEDon't sound so pleased.
DARRENI'm simply stating a fact. Your parents will spend Christmas with your brother and his wife.
JOYCEThat doesn't mean I won't invite them.
DARRENIf you invite them, then your brother will hear that he wasn't invited. You really want to stir up all that trouble.
JOYCEIf my parents aren't coming then neither are yours.
DARRENFine.
JOYCESo, you're okay if I don't invite your parents?
DARRENSounds like it's just going to be us and the kids. And I'd rather not start trouble between my parents and your parents by just inviting one pair. So, I'm fine with you not inviting them.
JOYCEWell, then, that's settled.
DARRENSo I can go now?
JOYCENo. Zoey called. She said she's no longer celebrating Christmas and won't be coming this year.
DARRENWhen did this happen?
JOYCEThis morning. That's why I wanted to go over our list.
DARRENShe's doesn't have to celebrate to come down.
JOYCEI told her that but she doesn't care. In her mind any kind of group togetherness at this time of year is giving into the Christo-Judeo-Whateverness that bother's her.
DARRENWell, that's just dandy.
JOYCEI tried to talk her out of it but she wasn't having it.
DARRENSo, just us and Neil?
JOYCEWell...
DARRENWhat, you're not going to invite our son?
JOYCEHe never calls. And when he does it's for a loan.
DARRENThis is the time of year when people make up for those kinds of things.
JOYCEAnd he refuses to get a job.
DARRENHe's an artist.
JOYCEThat isn't what he does all day. He has so much potential and he's wasting it all.
DARRENHe's a stay at home dad.
JOYCEI just don't think it's right.
DARRENYou're really telling me you have a problem with our son staying home to raise his child?
JOYCEWe have talked about this before and we agreed to disagree.
DARRENYes. In the past we had conversations about our son where I agreed to disagree but, in this moment, the topic has gained relevance that precedes my past concessions.
JOYCEI don't want to argue about it.
DARRENThis isn't about our son staying at home to raise his child. Or even about loaning him money. It's about the fact that he doesn't want you to help him out. That he specifically asked you to refrain from giving him advice on his parenting.
JOYCEI am that child's grandmother and it takes a village to raise a child-
DARRENIt's a stupid reason to exclude him from Christmas.
JOYCEStupid or not, it's my reason.
DARRENSo we're down to the two of us for Christmas.
JOYCENot the way you're acting right now.
DARRENYou want to take my name off the list?
JOYCEIf you're attitude isn't going to adjust-
DARRENNo, I agree. It's a fine idea. No Christmas for anyone.
JOYCEOh, I'll still have my Christmas.
DARRENA Christmas of one?
JOYCEWhy not?
DARRENYou're going to buy yourself a present?
JOYCEDon't I already?
DARRENMaybe I'll buy myself a ticket to Maui.
JOYCEI think that's a great idea. You can go to Maui and I have the house all to myself. I love that idea.
DARRENWell, then, dear. Sounds like a very merry Christmas indeed.
(THE END)